Short disclaimer: Should you find yourself irritated / upset / insulted by any ironic, cynic or condescending remarks that may or may not be found in the below text, kindly be informed that I am not to be held liable and/or care to any particular extent.
The clock is ticking and obviously, my sole purpose in life is to marry, procreate, then reprimand my partner for never achieving my full potential and the extra 20 kgs I have gained, thus, I have concluded I need to use technology to my advantage.
Now, after trying a couple of apps, I finally decided on Tinder. Mainly because it’s user-friendly, and by user-friendly, I mean idiot proof.
Anyhow, as a diligent woman aware that she has passed her prime, I used scientific means to attract potential mating candidates. I pulled out the only photos in which I don’t resemble Beetlejuice, then proceeded to rigorously select suitors by guessing whether they have a pulse or not. Regretfully, Malta is Malta and half of my potentials were my friends, which found it just as amusing as me to use Tinder as another communication app.
Some time may have been spent discussing with my best friend that we are ‘so not losers’ instead of checking out potential matches. A girl can get distracted.
Now, among the very few matches I managed to get, and the even less amount of dates I went on – apparently asking in the introductory conversation if he sees himself having kids with you is WRONG, I have gathered some wisdom I would like to share:
Tinder males can be divided into three main categories:
Class III males
Also affectionately dubbed ‘to be dated only in case of extreme emergency’.(EE)
EE would constitute the human population survival depending on it, and maybe not even then. These are the alpha males with profile photos of their furry behinds or the selfie-with-toilet-in-the-backdrop-dude.
Class II males
Also known as ‘ he seems normal, but you have a gut feeling he will disappoint’
Class I males
Total marriage material if not missing any limbs.
Moving on to the dates, I may or may not have fainted on a class I male, and I may or may not, mildly to severely, traumatized my dates by either cooking for them, laying them out in the sun or merely by being myself.
All to be disclosed in future post, coming up soon.
Mrs. ‘He-has-no-idea-yet-he-will-marry-me’ to be
P.S. Disappointed? Feel free to take it as a complimentary life lesson from our team. Thank us later.